Tuesday 28 December 2010
Blah.
Arghhh, I just feel so shit right now. I'm not even sure why; my moods are so changeable at the minute, that I just go from ecstatic to depressed with no warning whatsoever. I just...everything feels really meaningless right now, and I just feel so lonely and fed-up with everyone and everything. I'm meant to be studying because I've got exams when I go back to school, and I have been TRYING to, but I just don't seem to have the motivation or energy to do anything - and I'm dreading going back to school. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, but something tells me that's not going to help me pass my exams - and it's not even like anything too awful has happened. I just feel...I don't know. I'll get over it; it's just hard.
Sunday 14 November 2010
Arghhh, it's Sunday night! The weekend always goes so damn quickly :( and I've got Chemistry in for tomorrow morning that I should be doing, but I'm putting it off because I don't understand any of it (I'm sorry, but when will I really need to know about the giving and sharing of electrons in future life!?) and I feel sort of shit physically, so yeaaaah.
Had a pretty good weekend, really - one of my best friends (who moved away around this time last year) came to visit for the first time in what feels like forever, but is actually just over a month. We had a really fun time and I managed not to feel too awkward or dorky; she's just really lovely, and one of the few people I actually feel comfortable enough to be myself around so it's all good. We went out yesterday, with her boyfriend, a few of our friends and a couple of his friends (and a few random people who no-one really seemed to know, but who were okay and only with us for a bit) and we just went round town for the day; lounging around, eating tons, acting like five-year-olds (we got kicked out of the MacDonalds' play area - it's discrimination, it really is!), freezing to death etc, and finished up in this pizza place near where I live. It's basically a takeaway place, but they have one or two tiny tables by the counter and we sat there for literally hours after finishing eating - they never even asked us to leave, which was surprising as we were being pretty loud/disruptive/irritating - it was just me, my friend who had come to stay, her boyfriend and another friend at this point, and we played a really long and funny game of Truth or Dare that provided us with hours of amusement! Basically the day was nothing special or exciting, but it was the first time I've seen one of my best friends, whom I love to bits, in total fucking ages, and also probably the first time in quite a while that I've felt happy and comfortable and at ease around people. So, even though it may sound pretty mediocre, I really enjoyed it, just because of the people I was with and the way I felt.
Today was alright too; went to the station with my friend, her boyfriend, one of his friends (he just decided to tag along; not really sure why) and an ex-friend of mine (I now can't stand her, and pretty sure she can't stand me, but we're ~civil nonetheless). It was okay, but kind of awkward, especially when my friend left to get her train and I was left with the others, wanting to go home but not wanting to seem rude. We went to this big ~alternative shopping centre in town; some of it wasn't my style at all, but some of it was really cute. I didn't really talk to them much, which the boyfriend's friend - who I barely know - seemed to find kind of disconcerting (he kept asking me my opinions on things, and when I didn't give much away he was all 'you don't talk much, do you?' and talking about how quiet I was), but I don't talk much to most people really; you get used to it. I left early, because I just felt really out of place, and because getting the train home with the ex-friend would've been Awkward City. She's not a horrible person, really; she just gets on my nerves, and I'm not sure whether that's because I'm still subconciously annoyed with her for being a bitch to me all those years ago (we were friends when we were little, and had a huge fight over nothing at the age of about 12) or what, but there's just something so smarmy and fake about her. I can't put my finger on it - she just annoys me.
Anyway, I should probably do something constructive with my time. I won't, but I should.
(I'll carry on with the 30 days thing tomorrow, probably - today it just sounds like waay too much effort for my liking...)
Had a pretty good weekend, really - one of my best friends (who moved away around this time last year) came to visit for the first time in what feels like forever, but is actually just over a month. We had a really fun time and I managed not to feel too awkward or dorky; she's just really lovely, and one of the few people I actually feel comfortable enough to be myself around so it's all good. We went out yesterday, with her boyfriend, a few of our friends and a couple of his friends (and a few random people who no-one really seemed to know, but who were okay and only with us for a bit) and we just went round town for the day; lounging around, eating tons, acting like five-year-olds (we got kicked out of the MacDonalds' play area - it's discrimination, it really is!), freezing to death etc, and finished up in this pizza place near where I live. It's basically a takeaway place, but they have one or two tiny tables by the counter and we sat there for literally hours after finishing eating - they never even asked us to leave, which was surprising as we were being pretty loud/disruptive/irritating - it was just me, my friend who had come to stay, her boyfriend and another friend at this point, and we played a really long and funny game of Truth or Dare that provided us with hours of amusement! Basically the day was nothing special or exciting, but it was the first time I've seen one of my best friends, whom I love to bits, in total fucking ages, and also probably the first time in quite a while that I've felt happy and comfortable and at ease around people. So, even though it may sound pretty mediocre, I really enjoyed it, just because of the people I was with and the way I felt.
Today was alright too; went to the station with my friend, her boyfriend, one of his friends (he just decided to tag along; not really sure why) and an ex-friend of mine (I now can't stand her, and pretty sure she can't stand me, but we're ~civil nonetheless). It was okay, but kind of awkward, especially when my friend left to get her train and I was left with the others, wanting to go home but not wanting to seem rude. We went to this big ~alternative shopping centre in town; some of it wasn't my style at all, but some of it was really cute. I didn't really talk to them much, which the boyfriend's friend - who I barely know - seemed to find kind of disconcerting (he kept asking me my opinions on things, and when I didn't give much away he was all 'you don't talk much, do you?' and talking about how quiet I was), but I don't talk much to most people really; you get used to it. I left early, because I just felt really out of place, and because getting the train home with the ex-friend would've been Awkward City. She's not a horrible person, really; she just gets on my nerves, and I'm not sure whether that's because I'm still subconciously annoyed with her for being a bitch to me all those years ago (we were friends when we were little, and had a huge fight over nothing at the age of about 12) or what, but there's just something so smarmy and fake about her. I can't put my finger on it - she just annoys me.
Anyway, I should probably do something constructive with my time. I won't, but I should.
(I'll carry on with the 30 days thing tomorrow, probably - today it just sounds like waay too much effort for my liking...)
Friday 12 November 2010
Aaaaah I just wrote a huge long post, only for my internet to have a complete spazzout and die on me. So I'll blog tomorrow. Hopefully some people from LJ might have looked on here by then, but I think I'll blog even if I don't have followers (hah, I'm such a loser) because it seems like quite a good sort of vent for my feelings and shit? Then again, might not actually get round to it til Sunday night/Monday because got a pretty busy weekend ahead of me, but ah well.
Been considering posting stories here as well; only if I get a few followers, but if/when I do could be a good place to submit for feedback (: will just have to see how things go!
xox
Been considering posting stories here as well; only if I get a few followers, but if/when I do could be a good place to submit for feedback (: will just have to see how things go!
xox
Favourite song (:
Day 01:
This is really, really hard for me because I just love so much music. I honestly don't know where I'd be without music (I have practical nervous breakdowns whenever my laptop sound doesn't work, which happens every so often, heh); when I'm feeling really fucking miserable it's one of the only things that can actually pick me up and make me see things in an okay light again, and it's helped me get through so, so much.
But picking a favourite...hmm...
In the end I narrowed it down to three. Because one was just TOO HARD, okay? (:
Breathe Me - Sia
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no-one else to blame.
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Be my friend
And breathe me.
(Sorry if I messed up on the words, was from memory!)
I love this song. It's just...even though I wouldn't say it's a happy song, it's sort of melancholy but there's some kind of hope to it, and it always makes me feel better.
Tired - K's Choice
Life is easy when you fake it
Right until you realise
Your happiness is unrelated
To anything you have inside
And it doesn't feel right
And I'm mostly very tired.
I can relate to lots of music in one way or another (and I expect most people can), but there are times when songs just really strike a chord with you, and that's what this one did with me. It's just so much how I felt when I first heard it - and do a lot of the time - that, again, even though it's quite a sad song, it made me feel better, less alone. Obviously I don't know exactly how the song was mean, but I interpreted it to mean the way I've felt many times in the past (because I spend so much fucking time pretending, making out I'm someone else - so many someone elses, so much effort put into hiding who I really am - whoever that is); I can deal with pretending, I'm okay at it, even good, but it's not real. And it's horrible, because I don't know how to live with or without it, and it's starting to feel like nothing has any meaning either way.
The song captured that, and whether that was exactly what the lyrics were intended to mean or not, I just think it's a really lovely song all the same.
Mr Jones - Counting Crows
Mr Jones strikes up a conversation
With a black-haired flamenco dancer
She dances while his father plays guitar
She's utterly beautiful
And we all want something beautiful
And I wish I was beautiful.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something about this song that I just love. The whole song, and the words...they really get to me, in the best way possible, and I can't explain how or why. I just love them (;
Plus some of the lines (e.g. when everybody loves you sometimes, that's just about as fucked up as you can be) reaaally made me think of Effy Stonem from Skins. And Effy Stonem from Skins is fucking awesome. Trufax.
This is really, really hard for me because I just love so much music. I honestly don't know where I'd be without music (I have practical nervous breakdowns whenever my laptop sound doesn't work, which happens every so often, heh); when I'm feeling really fucking miserable it's one of the only things that can actually pick me up and make me see things in an okay light again, and it's helped me get through so, so much.
But picking a favourite...hmm...
In the end I narrowed it down to three. Because one was just TOO HARD, okay? (:
Breathe Me - Sia
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no-one else to blame.
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Be my friend
And breathe me.
(Sorry if I messed up on the words, was from memory!)
I love this song. It's just...even though I wouldn't say it's a happy song, it's sort of melancholy but there's some kind of hope to it, and it always makes me feel better.
Tired - K's Choice
Life is easy when you fake it
Right until you realise
Your happiness is unrelated
To anything you have inside
And it doesn't feel right
And I'm mostly very tired.
I can relate to lots of music in one way or another (and I expect most people can), but there are times when songs just really strike a chord with you, and that's what this one did with me. It's just so much how I felt when I first heard it - and do a lot of the time - that, again, even though it's quite a sad song, it made me feel better, less alone. Obviously I don't know exactly how the song was mean, but I interpreted it to mean the way I've felt many times in the past (because I spend so much fucking time pretending, making out I'm someone else - so many someone elses, so much effort put into hiding who I really am - whoever that is); I can deal with pretending, I'm okay at it, even good, but it's not real. And it's horrible, because I don't know how to live with or without it, and it's starting to feel like nothing has any meaning either way.
The song captured that, and whether that was exactly what the lyrics were intended to mean or not, I just think it's a really lovely song all the same.
Mr Jones - Counting Crows
Mr Jones strikes up a conversation
With a black-haired flamenco dancer
She dances while his father plays guitar
She's utterly beautiful
And we all want something beautiful
And I wish I was beautiful.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something about this song that I just love. The whole song, and the words...they really get to me, in the best way possible, and I can't explain how or why. I just love them (;
Plus some of the lines (e.g. when everybody loves you sometimes, that's just about as fucked up as you can be) reaaally made me think of Effy Stonem from Skins. And Effy Stonem from Skins is fucking awesome. Trufax.
30 days (:
So, I saw this on someone else's blog and thought I'd have a go at it. I'll start today (: If you come across this blog and find any of the posts anything but tediously boring please feel free to follow me! Not really expecting anyone to, but would be lovely all the same :)
Anyway, here's the list:
Day 01 � Your favourite song
Day 02 � Your favourite movie
Day 03 � Your favourite television program
Day 04 � Your favourite book
Day 05 � Your favourite quote
Day 06 � Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 � A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 � A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 � A photo you took
Day 10 � A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 � A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 � Whatever tickles your fancy II
Day 13 � A fictional book
Day 14 � A non-fictional book
Day 15 � A fanfic
Day 16 � A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 � An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 � Whatever tickles your fancy III
Day 19 � A talent of yours
Day 20 � A hobby of yours
Day 21 � A recipe
Day 22 � A website
Day 23 � A YouTube video
Day 24 � Whatever tickles your fancy IV
Day 25 � Your day, in great detail
Day 26 � Your week, in great detail
Day 27 � This month, in great detail
Day 28 � This year, in great detail
Day 29 � Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 � Whatever tickles your fancy V
Anyway, here's the list:
Day 01 � Your favourite song
Day 02 � Your favourite movie
Day 03 � Your favourite television program
Day 04 � Your favourite book
Day 05 � Your favourite quote
Day 06 � Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 � A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 � A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 � A photo you took
Day 10 � A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 � A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 � Whatever tickles your fancy II
Day 13 � A fictional book
Day 14 � A non-fictional book
Day 15 � A fanfic
Day 16 � A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 � An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 � Whatever tickles your fancy III
Day 19 � A talent of yours
Day 20 � A hobby of yours
Day 21 � A recipe
Day 22 � A website
Day 23 � A YouTube video
Day 24 � Whatever tickles your fancy IV
Day 25 � Your day, in great detail
Day 26 � Your week, in great detail
Day 27 � This month, in great detail
Day 28 � This year, in great detail
Day 29 � Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 � Whatever tickles your fancy V
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)